Thursday, August 12, 2010

HUMBLE

This week's #fridayflash got about 20 rewrites but each one my friend Tim discarded and told me to stick with the original. So here's the original (almost), with maybe a name change, or two. 


humble

A flutter at the base of her neck woke Katie. His hand cupped her breast; his body molded against hers. She offered a moan, felt his tongue-stud flick her shoulder. She focused on the poster, his only decoration. JULY 5TH in bold, his band red arrow third on the roster. The night Rise Records signed the band. The night they met...

...he had looked so hot, sweat glistening his hairless chest, black-tipped fingers flying as he humped his guitar. She had been jealous of the girls gyrating at him. After his set, he whispered insults about those sluts while his hand strummed her thigh. She gasped yes.

He had washed off his make-up, put on a life is good tee, plucked a ballad on his ukulele. He became vulnerable; he became Stone. He talked about the label rep, promised he'd stay humble. She found the bed, he found her moaning-spot...

...her current shriek cut off her memory-moan as Stone's chin slammed her shoulder blade and her head slammed the bunk wall. The driver's muffled sorry, pothole came from the front of the bus. "Forget this!" Katie said, "I've got to pee, anyways." She thrashed at the tangled Egyptian Cotton sheets, inadvertently kicked the HD screen. Her four-carat diamond snagged on the privacy curtain.

The band manager winked at her from the office/kitchen/dining room/general hang-out space. The bassist sprawled along a leather couch, his armpits darker than his tee. The keyboardist balanced a beer can on his chest.

Katie slid the bathroom door shut, but still heard, "Remember! TP in the wastebasket."

23 comments:

Michael Solender said...

ah to be a roadie in the band..you made the right choice Peggy to stick with this version..

Marisa Birns said...

Great description going on here. Loved the line: "He became vulnerable; he became Stone."

Maria A. Kelly said...

I agree with Marisa, that's a killer line. Great story about the life of a rocker.

Laurita said...

"I'm with the band" suddenly doesn't sound so glamorous. Wonderfully descriptive story.

G.P. Ching said...

The grass is always greener until you are on the other side. Not such a glamorous life after all. I love the way you executed this with one paragraph bleeding into the next.

quin browne said...

Oh, to be on that bus.

I loved the humping the guitar line... made me giggle.

Bukowski's Basement said...

Yes, Peggy... this one delivers so much in spades. Great write.

Timothy P. Remp said...

The dots do what you wanted. Nice choice and like Quin, I loved the humping guitar!

-Tim

Mike Robertson said...

Oh yeah. Scene to scene to scene, and all a seamless internal monologue that tells the progression of a relationship.

Masterly, Peg, as I've come to expect from you.

ganymeder said...

From glamour to day to day... nicely done.

John Wiswell said...

Awww, sweet dreams!

J. M. Strother said...

I too liked the "He became vulnerable; he became Stone." The juxtaposition of his state and his name is wonderful.
~jon

Christian Bell said...

The glamorous life of being on the road! Well written piece. I like the details. They are quite convincing, and this piece flows smoothly.

antisocialbutterflie said...

Nice piece. It is nice to see the juxtaposition of the happiness in the small time and the misery of success. Its very hipster.

Great Job.

Linda said...

Loved the structure of this story. Honest look at the unglamorous side of the road. Great line I wish I'd written: She found the bed, he foundher monaing-spot...

peace, Linda

Alan W. Davidson said...

Sorry that I'm late for the parade. I enjoyed this look behind the scenes on the tour bus. As the others noted, the juxtaposition of that line was priceless.

Eric J. Krause said...

Excellent from beginning to end. Fast times at the beginning to the soberings of reality.

Rebecca Emin said...

Really enjoyed this story.
Oh, the glamour!

Valerie said...

What I like about this is the sense I get that it's maybe hard NOT to be humble when you're crammed into a tour bus and having to throw away your TP instead of flushing. It's not all private jets and expensive booze. Nice tale.

Lou Freshwater said...

The whole piece is in itself very muscial, almost like a blues song. Nice job.

Cathy Olliffe said...

Sex in a moving vehicle isn't all it's cracked up to be, as you so hilariously point out. And as if her position isn't humiliating enough, she gets told to put used toity paper in the wastebasket.
Ya live, ya learn.
Nice work, Mizz Peg.

quin browne said...

sndra--will you be offering a translation of your gibberish later on in the program?

Jay Thurston said...

to pegjet - great work, I enjoyed this one.

to snadra - you either do not have a grasp of the English language or are drunk ragetyping at 2PM on a Tuesday afternoon. In either case, you lose.